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Jokes, Facts and Silliness for all you April Fools!
Dumb State Laws
Iowa
- Kisses may last for no more than five minutes.
- One-armed piano players must perform for free.
- A man with a moustache may never kiss a woman in public.
Nebraska
- If a child burps during church, his parent may be arrested.
- It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license.
Stupid Product Labels
- Korean kitchen knife: "Keep Out of Children"
- Packet of nuts: "Open package and eat nuts."
- Bathtub cleaner: "For best results, start with clean bathtub before use."
- Lighter fluid: "WARNING: Contents flammable!"
- Blow dryer: "DO NOT BLOW DRY IN SLEEP"
- Woolite carpet cleaner: "Safe for carpets, too!"
- T.V. Remote Control: "Not dishwasher safe."
- On a plastic orange juice can: "100% pure all-natural fresh-squeezed orange juice from concentrate."
- Children's cough medicine "Caution: May cause drowsiness; do not drive or operate heavy machinery"
Co-Dependency Jokes
Q: What do you call a codependent who says 'no' and doesn't feel
guilty?
A: Healthy
You're codependent for sure if, when you die, someone else's life
flashes in front of your eyes.
You're codependent for sure when you get kicked off jury duty for
insisting that you're the guilty one.
Q. Why did the codependent cross the road?
A. To help the chicken make a decision.
Did you hear about the codependent who flunked geography?
He couldn't distinguish any boundaries.
You know you're codependent if you find yourself in a rut -- and
move in furniture.
You're codependent for sure when you wake up in the
morning and say to your mate: "Good morning, how am I?"
Q. Why does a codependent buy two copies of every self-help book?
A. One to read and one to pass on to someone who really needs it.
Q. What does a codependent have in common with God?
A. They both have a plan for your life.
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Errors and mistakes are the necessary steps in the
learning process; once they have served their purpose,
they should be forgotten.
--Vince Lombardi (1913-1970), Hall of Fame football coach
--submitted by Sheree P.
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"I grew up in the fifties with practical parents -- a Mother, God love her, who
washed aluminum foil after she cooked in it, then reused it. She was the
original recycle queen, before they had a name for it. A Father who was happier
getting old shoes fixed than buying new ones. Their marriage was good, their
dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them
now, Dad introusers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a house dress, lawn mower
in one hand, dishtowel in the other. It was the time for fixing things -- a curtain
rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things we
keep. It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing,
reheating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful! .... Waste meant
affluence. Throwing things away meant there'd always be more. But then my
Mother died, and on that clear summer's night, in the warmth of the hospital
room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any
'more.' Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away...
never to return. So...while we have it... it's best we love it..... and care for it....
and fix it when it's broken..... and heal it when it's sick. This is true..... for
marriage.. and old cars....and children with bad report cards.. and dogs with bad
hips...and aging parents..... and grandparents. We keep them because they are
worth it, because we are worth it. Some things we keep....... Like a best friend
that moved away -- or -- a classmate we grew up with -- or-- special people you
meet while camping who get you started on bread recipes. There are just some
things that make life important, like people we know who are special.....and so,
we keep them close!"
---Anonymous; submitted by LaVonne R.
Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?
--The Wicked Queen
"Ugly, ugly!" This is often what we think as we look in the mirror. There are days
when we feel ugly no matter how we comb our hair or wear our clothes. There
are days when we feel like mistakes dressing up as people.
Criticizing ourselves on the outside is usually caused by the way we feel inside.
When we measure ourselves by our physical appearance, we will always feel let
down. No one can always be the fairest of them all.
Slowly we are beginning to understand how our real glow comes from the
inside. We are meeting people in recovery who aren't beauty contest winners
on the outside but who shine because of their personalities and their positive
energy.
--OurBest Days by Sally Coleman & Nancy Hull-Mast
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There are two fatal errors that keep great
projects from coming to life:
- Not finishing.
- Not starting.
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"The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is
your own.
No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame.
The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are
responsible for the quality of it.
This is the day your life really begins."
-Author Unknown
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"Whatever our hands touch -
We leave fingerprints!
On walls, on furniture
On doorknobs, dishes, books.
There's no escape.
As we touch we leave our identity.
Wherever I go today
Help me leave heartprints!
Heartprints of compassion
Of understanding and love.
Heartprints of kindness
And genuine concern.
May my heart touch a lonely neighbor
Or a runaway daughter
Or an anxious mother
Or perhaps an aged grandfather.
Send me out today
To leave heartprints.
And if someone should say,
'I felt your touch,'
May they also sense the love
that is deep within my heart."
Author UnknowN
Copyright © 2004, Codependent's Anonymous of the Greater Omaha Service Area
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